Bravado

As I was contemplating my last noticeable physical/mental addiction smoking, it sort of dawned on me that it has probably something to do with my open root center/gates. This stress and nervousness that I do not face but try to evade. And in doing so with this specific drug, I probably increase it, because of the physical effects of smoking. Thinner blood, colder body, eating less, no sports, unhealthy diet.

I have to say, the advantages are there too, breaking up the day in different experiences, and coming back in renewed (not through smoking but through getting out of a situation for a bit) And smoking is good relieve/release for anything in the end, if it rains: have a smoke, sun is out: have a smoke, you love someone dearly: have a smoke, you lover left: have a smoke (not trying to promote it though)

But I see the hold on me it has. And in one way I’m absolutely fine with it, otherwise I would have stopped aeons ago. On the other hand, on the brink of these changes I’m facing right now I realize it is holding me back. But I feel I cannot stop smoking for stopping of smoking itself. I need to tackle -why- I smoke, and how and when.

I sense I can only quit smoking without relapsing if I could take away the reason for doing so. Just as I’ve done before with alcohol. But there the difference was that there was no reason for it besides drinking too much and getting mostly physically addicted in the end. So that was relatively easy to solve actually.

But why -do- I smoke…?

I was preparing my kitchen to make my favorite meal (several types of beans with lamb and 2 kinds of pasta, and some fruity yoghurt), so doing the dishes, seasoning the lamb etc, and then finding out there is not enough pasta (aaargh !). And then this nervousness hanging in the air all day long, this calm before a storm suddenly realized, in me, rose up, and almost froze me. Feeling an unease in my belly, and grabbing the sides of my chest.

I was so comfortable with the notion that my day was done physically interacting with others, I was looking forward to this alone time. I do not want to go to the supermarket now for anything, it will be too busy, I just need 2 thingy’s the rows will be endless, blabla yadda-yadda.
But this time, I did go, but threading carefully. Physically I felt fine, not too hungry, not pains or aches, but mentally I was on alert. And then I thought, while putting on my jacket and getting my bag, ‘roll a cigarette now and then leave the house for the walk up to the supermarket’

Aha !

Why do you think that Sjef? Do you want to smoke -now- to give yourself a stance, to occupy yourself as to avoid the rest of the world? As you would put your hands in your pockets while walking, as a vague protection of your body. Do you feel (more) vulnerable when your hands are out of your pockets and just swinging in tempo alongside you. Well, yes. I liked that exercise, it gave me a sense of more openness and connectedness with the outside world, where I have been walking with my hands in my pockets for almost all my life as far as I can remember. But I definitely do not like walking with my hands out of my pockets now.

But I did, and I did not roll a cigarette first, just walked out with my bag on my shoulders, cap on my head against the drizzle, and walked to and then into the supermarket. And while walking I noticed I was on a visual alert, scanning the environment. ‘you are nice, you pose nothing, I can deal with you, you have a great body, you’d better watch that car’ Once inside it was all rather benign. The pastas are not far on the inside, and could quickly join the queue, where my strategic mind picked the shortest.

And then the cashier handed out the ‘this line is closed’ sign over to be given to me, so I would be the last she would help. And as I was holding this card several people came up from behind, and I had to show them the card where some would sigh and join another queue, and one man shouted out ‘well than it is of no use anyway’ threw his groceries on the floor and walked out.

And then she walked into the supermarket, someone I definitely would not want to meet ever again in my life. I saw her in the corner of my eye, recognized her immediately, and started to feel like either sinking into the floor, or take an aggressive posture as a defense. But I quickly changed to secretly ignoring. I just don’t want any response from her or me other than what I just decided upon. I noticed her noticing me, and she did exactly the same as me. Phew…

Was this encounter the one I was supposed to have today and could notice all day long? Hmmm, well I hope so.
I came home, prepared my dinner, ate it and started writing this.

Enjoy  🙂