I miss my father

or a father figure, a mentor, guide, coach. And have tried to substitute through many people in my life. Wether my fathers brothers or neighbours, friends, teachers, colleagues, any and all really. Even though he has brought me up till age 10, and I owe my mum for it till age 20, I have a real sensation that it is him or my image of him that I miss the most. And not only through reading the 18th GeneKey. There are some things lacking in my education, and I don’t mean plain knowledge, but a feeling, a reprimande or a nudge of accord. Borrowing money, and it being ok that you do not pay it back, after a good many discussion of the why and how.

And sure I’ve become very wise on the streets, and through absorbing the energy and know-how of surrogates, wheter boyfriends of my mum, or people crossing my life’s paths. But it is not the same, the deep intensity of it is missing. The feeling of the nest, of home.

And in this fase in my life, I stare it right in the face, finally maybe, and try to resolve and deal with it.

A few days ago I went to the government work agency, to apply for the dole/social security. I’ve been on a disability pension all of my adult life, through using too many drugs/alcohol, being homeless a bit, and mostly for being lost. So when I was 20 something I got my disability registered. Only in 2005 I made a huge effort to start my own small business, which now is in it’s final stages of shutting down. So in applying for the dole now I was asked for my resume, which I cannot produce, because there is nothing to fill in. So this very gentle and keen man who registred my application said, maybe we should make an appointment with some social workforce plan, where people with problems entering normal working conditions can either be schooled/mentored, or being kept busy with community service. And the name of this arrangements does bring up the mental picture of fluoresent work clothes weeding grasses in the parks… (ouch)

And old negative feelings and reactions came creeping up, and being somewhat institutionalized all the cons and tricks came up too. Surfing through abilities and disabilities, rules and regulations. Divide and rule, fake and survive, with a huge red line of conveyed inner truth always present.

But after a nights sleep it dawned on me. I -do- need help entering normal working conditions, I could very well do with some coaching/mentoring. I -am- disabled on some level(s). And there is -nothing- wrong with that. There is no attack in that, so there is no need defending either. So why not embrace the option of having someone to talk to about what you -can- do now, and what might be possible later after some training/contemplation.

It is still in it’s early stages, and they have not contacted me since filling in all the paperwork and handing in loads of copies, but I think it is time for some serious official re-evaluation of my capabilities. Because I have grown so much since my 20’s, I’ve had several job offers this last 6 months, more and more people tell me I have some amazing capabilities and prospects.

But still, working 5 days a week, 9 to 5, same road to travel day in day out is not my cup of tea, and don’t ever want it to be either. But there has to be a way for me ‘being of use’ to the greater totality, wheter here on the physical plane, or elsewhere.

For years (and especially since finding Human Design) I’ve been thinking about helping out people either in prison, on drugs/alcohol, or other drop-outs. And sure, in a way that is so easy and shallow coming from there myself, on the other hand I feel I need a lot more info/knowledge/tutoring/coaching myself before I feel I can.

And doing some research of the organisations doing this kind of work already, they have some very strickt rules and methods of doing it already, so it’s going to be a big thing changing that. Not sure if -that- is my vocation…

But first things first, let’s see what this re-evaluation brings.