March 2010

MoonBlog 41.4

I am alone

I feel alone, but am I lonely?
These last few days have given me a new sense, or feeling, of not wanting to be lonely anymore. Of not doing it all alone anymore, and this is not some vague little nudge, no this is a like a great big swell coming up in me. Of having enough of -not- sharing. My life, your life, all life. (now a few days later I feel much more calm actually, but the swell has stayed)

I used to be a great big socializer, other boys hated me in high school because I was talking to all the girls, because I -was- sharing whatever I felt like, and listening to theirs too. And not heavy stuff, no just everyday life sharing. And this continued after school, in bars, in the house-squat-scene, right up until I landed myself in prison, because amongst many things sharing itself didn’t cut it, and I didn’t find what I was looking for. And since I didn’t know what I was looking for I couldn’t ask, and no-one around either saw or said anything. So I reacted in a very self-destructing way.
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