Tudo bem?

why do I keep watching TV till 2 o’clock at night? Cause I’m bored, and have nothing to wake up for anyways. I do like to sleep late, always have, but ever so often I have such and such plans that I can’t sleep till very early in the morning, wake up and go do the thing I planned. But at least 90% of the time, I’m bored, and have nothing to live nor die for. (ha Byron Brown can have a field day ! 😉

Even though since getting a re-invitation to come live in the North of Brazil, where I can be the caretaker of a few acres of land, (have to) build my own house (and theirs?), and start living of the land, through a combination of Anastasia family domain, Permaculture/Transition Towns, Aquaponics and whatever is useful and fun. Years ago Katia the Brazilian wife of my nephew Pascal invited me, with one year room and board from them, after which I would need to sort it out myself, which was a wonderful invitation, but they never went. But now there is a renewed interest to go there, with slightly altered plans/location. So I’m going to check it out over there, and in the mean time the perspective and scope of my permaculture studies have now been added with smallholding books and some serious eco building books.

I do think I will opt for a single room just 1.50m underground with just the entrance/south facing all windows ‘wall’ above ground. Easy to build, great to have in a climate like theirs, and good to start with, and later on maybe build a true house. So already a lot of planning and mulling and contemplation in to it. There is some sort of timeframe (May 2012) but exactly because of this timeframe and the stack of books I now have to read and still on my Amazon wish list, it actually makes me lazier. O and barely started to learn Brazilian Portugees, ofcourse…

And ever since planning less and going with the flow more and more, a lot of stuff happens, but if it is all as productive as can be needs more time to tell. There is the appeal to reverting to do absolutely nothing at all any more on the one hand, and to use the window of time as perceived to be given as useful as one imagines it can be. More time has come to me because the work-first office 1 of the governments social security agencies have given my dossier back to regular office, cause the psychologist now said there would be no project or trajectory suitable for me, cause I had tendencies to autism.

I had trouble not to cry out and shout with joyment through the telephone when this was announced by the disillusioned civil servant. He had a really hard time coping with this and was somewhat baffled. Which made me chuckle even more. Now I don’t really agree with autism as a label, but, now after 20 years -they- finally have a word they can do something with, nothing (!) But now they can leave me alone and let me be and do whatever. Now no-one can ask them why this dossier is still on their desk, the dossier is gone. And me, well I would love to do some testing to confirm, and why not bring on some regular good old fashion therapy, never had that. The term autism is so wide and vague and with several variants, it feels like anyone could actually have it, even bigger numbers then ADD etc.

But now there is no more pressure to have to combine all the courses I am doing and a possible unpaid slave labor job which they can call work-training. And contemplating work-training, I pondered on going to Puna India, to the Osho center and maybe enter the Work as Meditation program for a few months, after my year training Permaculture finishes somewhere late January, cause I do know there is this distance between me and working on a daily basis. So if it can come through a program like this, where work is the meditation, I’m willing to try/experience that too. And I would love to look at their gardens and grounds.

In this 2 months vacation from Permaculture training I’m trying (yes trying) to read Patrick Whitfields Earth Care Manual front to back, trying to read 10 pages a day, but with all the lovely distractions and some days of not being able to sit down and read, it is a slow process. But since his book describes permaculture for England it is very useful for our climate in Holland too. Also pondering on follow up Human Design, GeneKeys, Integral Design courses, but there I really hit a blockage.

I don’t really feel like doing a 3rd deep dive and/or 3rd trainee whatyoumaycallitthistime. And I realize I’m not going to be a guide any time soon either, which is fine too, but still, the illusion is gone. More than a year ago there was talk about being able to make money after some training, but after a year I really don’t see this happening, at all actually, let alone in any near future. And in a way I’m ok with that too, but again, illusion is gone. I do look forward towards the Venus Sequence and hosting etc, but maybe one dive off would do me good. Which is a nice paradox because I also realize I would like the GeneKeys to have a more solid/structured every other week ‘event’, so as not to lose too much contact and therefore embodiment, and have enough time also to do other stuff.

I would LOVE doing more Integral studies with Werner and/or others, to be able to break away from Jovians Human Design, both from a political point of view (there is another war going on internally with the usual winners and losers, even when at first it seems that is reversed who is supposedly winning, time will tell ;-), as from a design point of view. The London event with Werner, Teresa and Richard really opened my heart to the beauty of combining GeneKeys with Human Design, and I really feel a need inside me, to be able to learn it and share that with others, it feels like there lies one of my most clear goals in life, my Purpose and Life’s Work.

So shall I transcribe my recordings of the event and study them myself? Cause there is no English training for what I want, not even sure if there is a German training 😉 I do realize each day more and more clearly where I stand in all of this, what path lies ahead in an agenda kind of way, and in that I so realize what I still need to learn, experience, live, be. Yesterday I re-listened to my Activation Sequence with Werner from some 10 months ago, phew nice shocking insights about my own presence and being, and also renewed awareness of what is possible and what may come, hmmm…

So shall I also continue the path of becoming a Living Your Design Guide with the Jovians, picking one of possible 3 teachers for the upcoming Rave Cartography is not easy. One has a discount closing this Sunday and is the most structured teacher of them all. The other is very good and talented but totally structure less, and lessons are all over the place which gives enormous joyful and interesting vistas, but feels less of getting to -know- it. And the third teacher is structured but a little chaotic so sometimes I drop out of focus.

So, a lot of options, and only some have a HELL YES… 😉