Locked in the illusion of getting there, getting anywhere. To attain, to conquer, a goal, a vision, a dream, a whisper. To believe some thing, some doing, will make me anything, like vulnerable, or stronger, being able to learn to go beyond my own borders, as a trick or a trade, something to learn, to acquire, through exercise, and the exercise is called experimenting.

New capabilities are the goal, are the prize at the end of this godforsaken life, of this life that needs to be overcome, transcended at least.

Our past that we each drag with us with all the muscling & mustering we can do, as the baggage is getting worn down by the dragging, the seams are letting go slowly, over all this time, the fabric is getting worn down, grinded, but we’ll drag it and drag it along with us, and hoist it up from the floor whenever we can in conversation. To identify with this past, and with the dragging along of that past. See our awesome power in all of this doing, in all these distractions of living life.

While speaking to not be me, I am but a vague shadow of what I can be, of what I ought to, I am not there yet, you see, as I convince you of my own shabby convictions of not yet being me, not being this, nor that, not yet good, not yet holy, not yet whole

All these ideas, all these doings, as a must, as an agenda, as a doing for doing, ‘look I’m on my way. See, step by step, see me stepping’ cackling in the illusion of growth, of growing, being able to, if only I do this and that, if only, if, only

I know I can, I know, I know, I know I can get there, there, over there, not here, not now, tomorrow, maybe next year even, it is going to take a while, not here, not now. Dear god, please not here, not now, please, please?!

Moon Blog 39.6

Gate 39 of the provocateur, obstruction. The value of obstruction in provoking analysis, assesment and reevaluation

39.6 The troubleshooter. The natural gift for solving problems.
Exalted: Practicality and the ability to guide and nurture others. The energy to provoke others by attempting to solve their problems.
Detriment: Ego dominance that generally abuses this gift for self-aggrandizement and personal ambition rather than for the benefit of others. The emotional drive to dominate that provokes others.