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MoonBlog 14.3

All aboard

Here I am

living my life

Just, living it. Even if my former self, or the former shard of what I was, or how I behaved, would like my life to be much more saint-like, or worshippable. (ah vanity and pride)
Which actually is more and more true too, if you let go of what that should look like.
Hmm aaaaah, the paradox of all this bullshit… 🙂
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MoonBlog 46.6

Seducing Thy-Self

Just now, with the sun/earth in 44.4/24.4 and the moon in the 46.6, my longing for a mate, mentally, and the longing for sharing/making offspring, really came from this now empty space between the middle of my ribcage.

(some call it the g-center, I don’t know, and I don’t care to know, sort of, yet).

The jerking off that followed this feeling, this longing, this drive, was not sexual at all, as sometimes happens/is not that uncommen either.
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MoonBlog 38.2 Politeness

Tudo bem?

why do I keep watching TV till 2 o’clock at night? Cause I’m bored, and have nothing to wake up for anyways. I do like to sleep late, always have, but ever so often I have such and such plans that I can’t sleep till very early in the morning, wake up and go do the thing I planned. But at least 90% of the time, I’m bored, and have nothing to live nor die for. (ha Byron Brown can have a field day ! 😉

Even though since getting a re-invitation to come live in the North of Brazil, where I can be the caretaker of a few acres of land, (have to) build my own house (and theirs?), and start living of the land, through a combination of Anastasia family domain, Permaculture/Transition Towns, Aquaponics and whatever is useful and fun. Years ago Katia the Brazilian wife of my nephew Pascal invited me, with one year room and board from them, after which I would need to sort it out myself, which was a wonderful invitation, but they never went. But now there is a renewed interest to go there, with slightly altered plans/location. So I’m going to check it out over there, and in the mean time the perspective and scope of my permaculture studies have now been added with smallholding books and some serious eco building books.
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MoonBlog 7.4 The abdicator

Ramble On

The simple fact of me being here, in these genekeys, confirms my victimhood/martyrdom, I am victim of my own beliefs, of my perceived need to do something about this life, about all that suffering, about all these longing(s).

While it just is (what it is) there is nothing to change, besides my perception and/or judgement/opinion about it (which is another half-truth) There is nothing to escape from or work towards.

Life just is, and I allow myself to be a victim of anything and everything I think life is supposed to mean, or be.
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MoonBlog 44.5 Manipulation

Unconscious

is what I feel like today, now. As if I had a severe blow to the head, somewhat intoxicated even.

I’m sitting here over emotional, but very quiet. Observing myself, my feelings, my triggers, my shadows, the timing and impact of things here and now. I’m feeling my gut, a knot.
Trying to dive in deeper, not running away. Even though I have done several distracting things, I don’t seem to be able to walk away from a deeper and longer experience of this, what is.

I had an ever ecstatic life building up since a few weeks ago. I am very busy with all these courses, interacting with people on different levels, and this permaculture/garden is taking up quite a bit of resources, mentally and physically.

In my ecstasy, I expanded some more towards others, and we shared our lives some more. I was not on a cloud yet, but I sure did feel like floating/flying.
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MoonBlog 3.2 Immaturity

GeneKeys complaint, money back guarantee?

after diving quite deep and feeling intense shadows and other past or present muddy waters, and the effects this process had and has on me, now doing the deep dive for the second time actually helps me feel more shallow in its process (!)

Not arrogance though, but because the 1st DD process helped change me and my life in such a way, through but also beyond so many shadows, as if letting go of a huge enormous backpack, that I now felt so strong and agile, that I take on so much (GeneKeys DeepDive, GeneKeys Hosting, Human Design RaveABC, Permaculture), that I skip the depth of all of them, usually/mostly. And those are just the things I do for fun (!) And then all the books I (make myself) read, related to any and all of those. Pffff…
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MoonBlog 47.3 Self-oppression

Disconnected

dear hearts,

ever so slowly I feel more and more disconnected from the genekeys, deepdive and hosting.
And I have let it happen, because I now know where I am triggered and have taken no action.
It is the not receiving of genekeys/hosting updates in the mail.
Which is funny in a way, because in the earliest beginning of me entering the GeneKeys I was sometimes amazed at the frequency and length of emails, and now I miss out on them and trully miss them.
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MoonBlog 38.4 Investigation

Fullfilment

When will I stop, when will it be enough?

seeking, yearning, wanting

but what
really?

Is it my head?
Is it my body?
Is it really me?

“just relax. Have another drink, few more pretzels,”

I stopped chasing my tail for a bit now, but when will the chase stop itself…?

*were you hare when I was fox”

Or is this why me is me.
If so, than I only need some new
N R J

aaaaah *plop*
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MoonBlog 41.4 Correction

I am alone

I feel alone, but am I lonely?
These last few days have given me a new sense, or feeling, of not wanting to be lonely anymore. Of not doing it all alone anymore, and this is not some vague little nudge, no this is a like a great big swell coming up in me. Of having enough of -not- sharing. My life, your life, all life. (now a few days later I feel much more calm actually, but the swell has stayed)

I used to be a great big socializer, other boys hated me in high school because I was talking to all the girls, because I -was- sharing whatever I felt like, and listening to theirs too. And not heavy stuff, no just everyday life sharing. And this continued after school, in bars, in the house-squat-scene, right up until I landed myself in prison, because amongst many things sharing itself didn’t cut it, and I didn’t find what I was looking for. And since I didn’t know what I was looking for I couldn’t ask, and no-one around either saw or said anything. So I reacted in a very self-destructing way.
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MoonBlog 64.5 Promise

Quattro Stagioni

Hm, I’ve been wanting to write a blog about (my) silence for a little while, and just see Richard also perceives the quietness in the field, and also somewhat in response to Rosy’s multiple writings.

For me, it seems that more and more, there is nothing (left) to say. And just enjoy being, and honoring whatever is or is not going on. Without (a need for) a response. And being so joyfully introspective, that it is difficult to share where I’m at right now, because I don’t even have a clue myself, and even that is wonderously fine too ! 🙂
(pff I start to feel I’m talking like Tanmayo…)
Where before I really felt -urges- to speak, now I find I thrive much much better in shutting up, and taking loooong pauses before responding.
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MoonBlog 4.5 Seduction

ordinary unusualness

The day of Christmas eve I get a call from the mother of the son of a former client of mine (you know, his ex-wife) whom I helped move house to an Asian country to get away from drugs and alcohol last year, if I would be willing and able to talk to her that evening at her house (and because of the huge snow/ice on the road if I would come to her instead of she to me) and talk about what to do with her son’s coming out of the closet when coming back from his dad on holiday in that Asian country. So I put my Suzuki Samurai in 4×4 mode and ice-skate over there, and we talk about going to the country’s national homo/lesbian organization together, so he can maybe meet up with same age groups for support and hopefully fun (he is kinda young) Afterwards she gives me a token of appreciation.
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MoonBlog 8.6

Invitation

While I do ‘live’ on the internet for quite a few years now, I’m not in the habit of hoarding contacts, email addresses, and other hollow attempts of creating a marketable presence online (wow, nice load of judgements and opinions there Sjef)

I do however want to invite each and everyone of you, us, here, to connect outside this field too, linkedin, facebook, you name it. Not as something to get any validation from, but to offer it to people outside, in a way. To show them our steps in not needing any, but still being this global life-form of energy, of intent, of intensity, of sharing. Connect with the genekeys facebook page, and with all of us, all mixed up as one giant ball of string, being and acting as one. (is this my radiance 45 speaking up?)
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MoonBlog 9.1 Sensibility

In all fairness

I suddenly get a rush of awareness, that in the invitiation of diving into our shadows, I’m actually reliving them over again. Where I was way up higher before entering the deep dive. It almost feel like a reversed effect on me.

Where I also have to acknowladge that there has been many subtle changes in behaviour, attitude, conceptualizing, feeling even. Some are much more profound, but can not yet put them to sentences.

But also, feeling drawn into deeps where I do not want to go again, although not sure if I should or should not. Who is to say what will come out of it, I don’t know, but it is as if you throw me in some field, any field, and I will eventually acquire and live aspects of that field, whether they are deep divers of genekeys, or major league baseballers.

So there is some feeling of over redundancy in it, but I’ll sit with it for a bit. And if this sense pervails I’ll switch gears and only focus on gifts for a bit from now on, and skip the shadows, because it really starts to feel uncomfortable in the no-sense department.
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MoonBlog 40.4 Organization

I miss my father

or a father figure, a mentor, guide, coach. And have tried to substitute through many people in my life. Wether my fathers brothers or neighbours, friends, teachers, colleagues, any and all really. Even though he has brought me up till age 10, and I owe my mum for it till age 20, I have a real sensation that it is him or my image of him that I miss the most. And not only through reading the 18th GeneKey. There are some things lacking in my education, and I don’t mean plain knowledge, but a feeling, a reprimande or a nudge of accord. Borrowing money, and it being ok that you do not pay it back, after a good many discussion of the why and how.

And sure I’ve become very wise on the streets, and through absorbing the energy and know-how of surrogates, wheter boyfriends of my mum, or people crossing my life’s paths. But it is not the same, the deep intensity of it is missing. The feeling of the nest, of home.

And in this fase in my life, I stare it right in the face, finally maybe, and try to resolve and deal with it.
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MoonBlog 19.2 Interdependence

Tobacco III

5 whole weeks have passed since I’ve finally taken myself up on actually making work of stopping to smoke.

It has been in the making for several years now, in that sense I’m not stupid, I know I shouldn’t. But the thing that prevented me from doing it, was lack of joy in quitting. I mean, need for/to, and logic alone is not good enough. For me. And I quite enjoy smoking, actually, and still do.

I enjoy it because I’m rewarding myself in that sense, every so often, I give myself a cigarette, it is a cheap, small and easy gift, poisonous none the less, but still. You can give yourself lots of them daily, relatively cheap, even now when governments have enormously increased the prices.
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MoonBlog 39.1 Disengagement

So now, let’s take it another way

There is some mention of black marketeers (more and more actually), which unfortunately is -not- open for discussion.

I have several feelings about that, where some have manifested as thoughts which I will share here.

To me, a black marketeer is someone who does not give what you are supposed to get. So someone who skips a few steps and presents it as being the real deal. Since I cannot point fingers at individuals on this forum, I’ll just quote this:
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MoonBlog 45.5 Leadership

Kick my butt

Hm, so, no more HDS bashing, and no more honouring IHD for now through closing/pausing the IHD group… damn… 😉

Through HDS, sidestepping to MHDS (multi dimensional), dancing with Zeno’s flowing HD, and a short but intense fling with IHD, I come to the GeneKeys.

Surrendering to it actually.
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MoonBlog 42.3 Trial and error

Self-devotion

I feel and realise now, that I wanted human design, then integral human design, and now the deep dive to be a permanent change in my life.

From conditioned, mundaine, sheeplike, shadow patterned and patented monotony and stupidity, left-brain dictations to a freed life, of eternal bliss, profound love, monetairy indifference, fullfilling dreams and wishes, and loads of joy.

But I also realise now that it is all wishfull -thinking-

And yes, my body does feel different, I feel my body differently. My mind operates the same but is not so much in control anymore as it has taken a more observing stance.
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MoonBlog

Tobacco II

Today started with smoking only at the whole hour (handy wristwatch can tell me with a beep) instead of whenever. Trying to break through the habbit itself besides the addiction.

Noticed sometimes I smoke more per hour and sometimes none for several hours.

Tomorrow will see what options my health care assurance provides/accepts as viable treatments. Been reading meanwhile and soft-laser acupuncture interested me.

And as for doing something else instead of smoking while kicking it, I’ve bought a superb Kettler multi-gym fitness machine almost a year ago, still in the box in the hallway, awaiting me 😉

Small steps..
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MoonBlog 46.2 The prima donna

Some 52, some others too

A few years back I made a deal with myself that every day I would at least do 1 thing of all the ideas I have/had. And it could be something small or simple like shopping for groceries, or do the dishes, but it could also mean taking a motorcycle engine apart. 1 thing, every single day.

In that way I could really acomplish stuff which would otherwise never get done, because I am quite lazy when it comes down to it, at least physically. Mentally I’m almost all the time quite strong and powerfull, always churning, thinking, contemplating, looking at all possible and impossible sides of things, and really elaborate in my mind.

(I’ve written on the humandesignglobal.ning forum blog that I feel that my mind is my most favourite body part. Ok, it has gotten me into trouble at times but it also helped me a lot/more to get out of them, again and again)
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MoonBlog 46.2 The prima donna

WTF, are we doing (here)?

today I didn’t wake up as the artful transmuter, ever since finishing the 3rd webinar I feel shite, or confused, no, angry even.

If we do not exist, if we are not here, then what are we doing (here), why bother (with) this whole process. Why not end it all here and now. I’m no avid believer of suicide, but what the fuck is the point of augmenting the frequency of my dna, if even that does not exist, actually, in reality (?)

Sure, don’t identify with being whatever (a doctor, a reflector, a woman) on this plane, but then it nullifies the genekeys and this quantum field instantaneous too. I had that thought earlier when discussing HDS (Human Design System) and IHD (Integral Human Design), if there is no framework, there is no us even, then what is this transmission we’re supposed to contemplate and embody?
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MoonBlog 52.1 Think before you speak

Let the fun start

tomorrow, or next year…

Why is there a need for a separate group of evolve/gathering? Is there a need to hide out from the rest, or a need to differentiate? What does this gathering have to do with GeneKeys as such anyways? I don’t recall it being part of the dozen or so approaches and tools that now make up these GeneKeys. What is the added value for you and/or for me?

I thought we were in this together, all jumping into the water, and supporting each other, whether I know you from before or not, but now it feels like some of you want to create a group inside a group, and swim off from the rest.
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MoonBlog 8.4 Respect

Bravado

As I was contemplating my last noticeable physical/mental addiction smoking, it sort of dawned on me that it has probably something to do with my open root center/gates. This stress and nervousness that I do not face but try to evade. And in doing so with this specific drug, I probably increase it, because of the physical effects of smoking. Thinner blood, colder body, eating less, no sports, unhealthy diet.

I have to say, the advantages are there too, breaking up the day in different experiences, and coming back in renewed (not through smoking but through getting out of a situation for a bit) And smoking is good relieve/release for anything in the end, if it rains: have a smoke, sun is out: have a smoke, you love someone dearly: have a smoke, you lover left: have a smoke (not trying to promote it though)

But I see the hold on me it has. And in one way I’m absolutely fine with it, otherwise I would have stopped aeons ago. On the other hand, on the brink of these changes I’m facing right now I realize it is holding me back. But I feel I cannot stop smoking for stopping of smoking itself. I need to tackle -why- I smoke, and how and when.
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MoonBlog 43.2 Dedication

Perpetual Rollercoaster

Since Ibiza April 2009 I have been on quite a journey, through (online) information, meeting and greeting people, and classes/lectures/events.

First I dived into Integral Human Design through the webinar at GeneKeys by Richard Rudd and Werner Pitzal, which gave me a sense of other/more possibilities using the bodygraph. In short: applying Integral Approach and Spiral Dynamics combined with your bodygraph and thus locking in to higher and higher states of being.

Then off to Amsterdam for a Living Your Design weekend with Guido Wernink, Stien Michiels and others for more basic knowledge and practical lessons about what it really means to actually live your design (hence the name ;-), what possibilities there are and what contrasts we will meet, in ourselves and others. Giving me a greater foundation to work from.
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