Re-conditioning is all the rage
when de-conditioning turns out to be
just a ph(r)ase
a trick of sorts
Engorgés sans réserve
holding on to what is not
as they rot
Re-conditioning is all the rage
when de-conditioning turns out to be
just a ph(r)ase
a trick of sorts
Engorgés sans réserve
holding on to what is not
as they rot
A while ago, Nisarg mentioned I could have a look in Pune for doing Work as Meditation, as we spoke on and off about my life and work/money, but having been negative to anything guru or religion, it took me a while to even get used to the idea, but having read their website, they did seem to know what they were doing. So I became curious to this new way of looking at work which they claim/advertise
I knew no-one at the resort and application/reservation went all through email, which as it turned out, were other WAM people, new or old-timers, and having never been to India either, was quite the experience.
And I hated India, the stench, the pollution, the differences in wealth living side by side, death and misery next to luxurious mansions. Hate it !
Sometimes it feels like an € 1140,- prison, and feel I need to move, ‘faire bouger’.
It even sounds a little ungrateful, having all this. But it seems not enough. Or even too much, at times.
It just does not feel *just right* and wondering if anything ever will. Hmpf Noticing a great calm, eye of the storm perhaps even. Something is up, while nothing is going on.
Are we hiding, playing make belief, shallow superficiality, or…? Are we perhaps readying ourselves, sharpening our knives and qualities, honing them, or are we just licking our paws as we sink our fat bellies in the lush sunshine with clouds endlessly sailing by, and by, bye-bye.
Purring in hedonistic bliss.
*sigh* deeper and deeper, the merry go round.
Is a new giant leap coming, or will we let it pass us by until the next, or the one after, hmmm
Do you feel a pause, or a break, a momentous moment of stillness, or a dragging clutched drenched in sticky tar-sand gooey.
A slow rant that is lament, a kick in the nuts and a pat on the head.
And a cabin on a piece of land with a lake on-site in-sight, hmmm
*mumble mumble jumble tumble*
On Reflector Group Moderation
It is remarkable to on the one hand say you do not like to be told when doing something wrong, and at the same time kick those same people as being control freaks, and then also justify yourself by telling how little it actually is… Seriously dude…
2 reflectors walk into a French Restaurant, and -demand- ‘French’ fries with a Big Mac…
It is not that we -have- to post daily, all or each single one of us. It is not that we have to entertain or be entertained, like planet Generator is already doing 24/7 in this neon lit global village. There is nothing wrong with no postings for 3 months, like it happens in the Reflector email list.
Unless we do indeed want to gobble up shallow bits and sound bytes, and through it an feel comfortable in our feeling alienated.
The Living Your Design Guide (LYDG) training is designed to educate, prepare, and certify Living Your Design Guides to support newcomers in the experiment of living their design.
The Living Your Design Guide Training is designed to effectively teach many of the basics of Human Design as it relates to type, strategy, authority and conditioning. This course offers 3 distinct components which provides students/Guides in training with the information and techniques necessary to assist newcomers in starting their 7-year deconditioning process. In this course Guides will learn how to assist others in understanding their own personal conditioning by using examples, experiential techniques, discussions and personal experiences.
What is the difference between this reflector and that reflector?
How do we support a reflector, is there such a thing as ‘a reflector’ support, as in singular way of supporting all reflectors?
How do we know? Have we studied, contemplated, meditated, talked about what it is to be a reflector, or do we follow that what we -believe- a reflector to be?
And I don’t mean to have done these or that courses, no, how hard and long have you, yourself, gone into what it means to be who you are?
Do we follow what our minds tell us it should be, just like our minds told us Human Design was spiritual.
Is that even true?
Can we discern how different this reflector might operate, engage, speak, listen, wobble, walk, than this one?
Do we allow for uniqueness?
What is the level of awareness and engagement amongst ourselves?
When we talk gates and lines, what do we tell, a repetition from half a page or a book we once read? Or our true inner experience, or our wittnessing of another.
Would you like to play a game of not-self centered behaviour?
Like confrontation and truth, questioning everything, answering everything, attracting attention, undirectional love, ego crowing, substance abuse, unstoppable workload, unobtainable deadlines.
Would you like to engage in your Human Design?
I heard Genoa say the other day: “The mind is gonna love human design until it becomes something real. And then it’s gonna find every excuse to split town as fast as it can and it wants to take you with it.”
So, am I being over-serious? Yes I am, ofcourse I am, and you can tell me that. Also I’m a joker, of sorts, but you gotta wanna see that, or else you will see me as another nasty archetype, with whatever you think of that.
Oh and if you don’t like what I say, you can either say that, or just ignore me. it is all optional.
waking up 2 hours early in the morning triggers many foul words as we adhere to the figures on the clock.
-How could I wake up so early, I could have slept xx time more!
-What is wrong (with me)?
-Will she come in high heels or sneakers,
in a skirt or in jeans?
-Will she come in lace or in cotton,
will she be grumpy or sweet?
I have found, after 3 years living my design on a daily basis, and following strategy and authority and looking at my lunar cycle, that these readings are not too expensive.
Considering the life changing effect they have, I would actually call them cheap (!).
There is a whole lot of free stuff out there, but to me indeed until you also have studied some things, had a proper reading with explanation of your very own lunar cycle, done a living your design workshop, (which are all very interesting experiences I would not have missed for the world), all this free stuff seem not enough, or seem like some kind of hidden language/messages. But they aren’t.
There will come a point it all starts to make sense, because it -is- it’s own language, just like French, English, or German is. One day you’ll start to talk it like you were born with it, and see. See beyond the mind and knowledge itself, and into your own self. And start recognizing all these new-age or ancient texts, about answers lying within, not out there, or in others. All inside ourselves, even if we learn it through looking at and engaging with others, but inside is such a wealth of sheer knowing.
Getting a reading, learning about your lunar cycle, and strategy and authority, and a lot of patience, forgiveness, loving yourself and a whole bunch of humor, has gotten me past most of my worries of old. Now I still have some, or new ones but they are different, and are much more ego based. I really start to grasp who I really am, and what I am here for, I can almost taste it.
And then another day, it all seems to have eluded me, a cosmic joke. Know there is also a reflector mailinglist and online virtual cafe, for reflectors to meet and share, besides the Reflector FaceBook Group and other pages.
And however alone a reflectors path may look like sometimes, we are constantly interconnected with each other, it feels like, to me and others.
The hurt pathway
When we became friends, it was not because we liked the same bands, or the same style of being, clothing, people or politics, or the same hatred for our upbringing, parents and school, although we truly believed we did.
We became friends because we recognized, even if unconsciously, the same wounds. We recognized the same avoidance of our wounding. We recognized the same behaviour towards our ignoring of our hurts. The same patterns in denying and running away.
-That- is what connected us.
And now we disconnect because we differ in that behaviour towards our wounds.
a long friend has passed, I heard about only Friday. Thursday she was found, after having taken her own life.
She was a friend of mine for over 20 years, and a reflector.
Permacultuur is samenwerken met de natuur om een betere wereld voor ons allemaal te maken Als we de natuur observeren zien we dat er een systeem van principes aan het werk is. Permacultuur gebruikt deze principes om geïntegreerde systemen te ontwikkelen die voor onze behoeften aan voedsel, energie en gemeenschap zorgen op een gezonde en efficiente wijze. Door Permacultuur kunnen we de kwaliteit en productiviteit van onze individuele levens, onze samenleving en onze omgeving verbeteren.
During the year long Permaculture Design Certification Course we were asked to choose our own project so that we could put the theories into practice and possible also try out some of our own ideas. Due to the presence of an overgrown and neglected garden behind Sjef’s house at the time, we decided to sink our teeth in and to transform it, to an edible garden. At first we were under the assumption that we might possibly only be able to do soil purification, because of intense contamination by previously stored car engines by previous tenants. Gradually, we learned that the pollution seemed to have disappeared (It was 15 years ago after all, and thus possibly all had washed/seeped etc.) and then pretty soon changed our plans to creating an edible garden, where both theory and given examples, and lots of fun and fantasy all have been given a chance to come to expression. Since starting that change has become clearly visible, for both ourselves and the neighborhood and neighbors. And then also for the many birds that have gained both with the immediate neighbors as well as with us a nutrient rich and quiet/secluded space 😉
But first some introductions:
Sjef: Somewhere late 2006 Ray told me about Human Design, which brought me to the Gene Keys several years later. There I found the Anastasia Ringing Cedar book series by Vladimir Megre. Intrigued by the attention to nature and the people within it, I did a lookup online and quickly found Transition Towns, and then also Permaculture. After some more online digging it seemed Permaculture was the thing I unconsciously had been looking for, for the last 25 years. Not long after I landed on the website of ‘Gezonde Gronden‘ and their PDC year training. The appeal on the one hand is to be able to grow our own food and bring back the experience of our connection with the Earth and nature, as well as living more independent of forces and powers beyond our scope and also more self-determination and control over our own lives, food and the future. Furthermore taking into account the notion we may have had access to a lot less oil and other fuels for quite a while now already and the grotesque consequences of our dependence on them.
I experience Transition Towns and Permaculture as very important for the Earth and humanity, where Human Design and Gene Keys are much more important as an individual personal experience and endeavour.
Ray: I met Sjef late 2006 during a training program on starting your own business. At the time I coached people successfully for 5 years (through donations) on the relationship between nutrition & health en started my own business in 2007. In 2009 I did a free presentation in the Rudolf Steiner clinic at their winter-fair where I met Mireille and Borg, whom had already done this PDC training. After speaking with them I started reading up on Permaculture. Then I also read book 1 from Vladimir Megre’s Anastasia book series and became even more exited about Permaculture. Some 20 years ago I had 4 years of kibbutz experience, meaning: working on the land with fresh produce from your own soil which appealed to me at the time already. I see many advantages with Permaculture such as: self-reliance, sense of freedom, local food, less nutrition loss than found at retail and so with Permaculture healthier and cheaper food for less money and less strain on our environment.
I enjoy meeting like-minded people with passion, love and attention to health and nature, and to cooperate with it. In addition, I enjoy to contribute to the future of the world by reducing our footprint. Less fossil fuel, more freedom and being self-supporting really appeals to me. I see plenty of opportunities business-wise and it would seem a joy to eventually eat mainly, or even completely, foods from our own gardens and no more waiting in line at the health food store or other retailers or less at east.
So here is our 10 month report of were we came together twice nearly every week and (Ray) made copious notes:
Here I am
living my life
Just, living it. Even if my former self, or the former shard of what I was, or how I behaved, would like my life to be much more saint-like, or worshippable. (ah vanity and pride)
Which actually is more and more true too, if you let go of what that should look like.
Hmm aaaaah, the paradox of all this bullshit… 🙂
Just now, with the sun/earth in 44.4/24.4 and the moon in the 46.6, my longing for a mate, mentally, and the longing for sharing/making offspring, really came from this now empty space between the middle of my ribcage.
(some call it the g-center, I don’t know, and I don’t care to know, sort of, yet).
The jerking off that followed this feeling, this longing, this drive, was not sexual at all, as sometimes happens/is not that uncommen either.
During and after 6 days of reclusion with 14 other reflectors at the 2010 Reflector Retreat, I have written several remarks, which are quoted here, in random order.
I want to ask/suggest to read/contemplate each sentence as a single one, not as a continuous story.
why do I keep watching TV till 2 o’clock at night? Cause I’m bored, and have nothing to wake up for anyways. I do like to sleep late, always have, but ever so often I have such and such plans that I can’t sleep till very early in the morning, wake up and go do the thing I planned. But at least 90% of the time, I’m bored, and have nothing to live nor die for. (ha Byron Brown can have a field day ! 😉
Even though since getting a re-invitation to come live in the North of Brazil, where I can be the caretaker of a few acres of land, (have to) build my own house (and theirs?), and start living of the land, through a combination of Anastasia family domain, Permaculture/Transition Towns, Aquaponics and whatever is useful and fun. Years ago Katia the Brazilian wife of my nephew Pascal invited me, with one year room and board from them, after which I would need to sort it out myself, which was a wonderful invitation, but they never went. But now there is a renewed interest to go there, with slightly altered plans/location. So I’m going to check it out over there, and in the mean time the perspective and scope of my permaculture studies have now been added with smallholding books and some serious eco building books.
The simple fact of me being here, in these genekeys, confirms my victimhood/martyrdom, I am victim of my own beliefs, of my perceived need to do something about this life, about all that suffering, about all these longing(s).
While it just is (what it is) there is nothing to change, besides my perception and/or judgement/opinion about it (which is another half-truth) There is nothing to escape from or work towards.
Life just is, and I allow myself to be a victim of anything and everything I think life is supposed to mean, or be.
is what I feel like today, now. As if I had a severe blow to the head, somewhat intoxicated even.
I’m sitting here over emotional, but very quiet. Observing myself, my feelings, my triggers, my shadows, the timing and impact of things here and now. I’m feeling my gut, a knot.
Trying to dive in deeper, not running away. Even though I have done several distracting things, I don’t seem to be able to walk away from a deeper and longer experience of this, what is.
I had an ever ecstatic life building up since a few weeks ago. I am very busy with all these courses, interacting with people on different levels, and this permaculture/garden is taking up quite a bit of resources, mentally and physically.
In my ecstasy, I expanded some more towards others, and we shared our lives some more. I was not on a cloud yet, but I sure did feel like floating/flying.
GeneKeys complaint, money back guarantee?
after diving quite deep and feeling intense shadows and other past or present muddy waters, and the effects this process had and has on me, now doing the deep dive for the second time actually helps me feel more shallow in its process (!)
Not arrogance though, but because the 1st DD process helped change me and my life in such a way, through but also beyond so many shadows, as if letting go of a huge enormous backpack, that I now felt so strong and agile, that I take on so much (GeneKeys DeepDive, GeneKeys Hosting, Human Design RaveABC, Permaculture), that I skip the depth of all of them, usually/mostly. And those are just the things I do for fun (!) And then all the books I (make myself) read, related to any and all of those. Pffff…
ever so slowly I feel more and more disconnected from the genekeys, deepdive and hosting.
And I have let it happen, because I now know where I am triggered and have taken no action.
It is the not receiving of genekeys/hosting updates in the mail.
Which is funny in a way, because in the earliest beginning of me entering the GeneKeys I was sometimes amazed at the frequency and length of emails, and now I miss out on them and trully miss them.
When will I stop, when will it be enough?
seeking, yearning, wanting
Is it my head?
Is it my body?
Is it really me?
“just relax. Have another drink, few more pretzels,”
I stopped chasing my tail for a bit now, but when will the chase stop itself…?
*were you hare when I was fox”
Or is this why me is me.
If so, than I only need some new
N R J
I am alone
I feel alone, but am I lonely?
These last few days have given me a new sense, or feeling, of not wanting to be lonely anymore. Of not doing it all alone anymore, and this is not some vague little nudge, no this is a like a great big swell coming up in me. Of having enough of -not- sharing. My life, your life, all life. (now a few days later I feel much more calm actually, but the swell has stayed)
I used to be a great big socializer, other boys hated me in high school because I was talking to all the girls, because I -was- sharing whatever I felt like, and listening to theirs too. And not heavy stuff, no just everyday life sharing. And this continued after school, in bars, in the house-squat-scene, right up until I landed myself in prison, because amongst many things sharing itself didn’t cut it, and I didn’t find what I was looking for. And since I didn’t know what I was looking for I couldn’t ask, and no-one around either saw or said anything. So I reacted in a very self-destructing way.