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MoonBlog 44.5

Unconscious

is what I feel like today, now. As if I had a severe blow to the head, somewhat intoxicated even.

I’m sitting here over emotional, but very quiet. Observing myself, my feelings, my triggers, my shadows, the timing and impact of things here and now. I’m feeling my gut, a knot.
Trying to dive in deeper, not running away. Even though I have done several distracting things, I don’t seem to be able to walk away from a deeper and longer experience of this, what is.

I had an ever ecstatic life building up since a few weeks ago. I am very busy with all these courses, interacting with people on different levels, and this permaculture/garden is taking up quite a bit of resources, mentally and physically.

In my ecstasy, I expanded some more towards others, and we shared our lives some more. I was not on a cloud yet, but I sure did feel like floating/flying.
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MoonBlog 41.4

I am alone

I feel alone, but am I lonely?
These last few days have given me a new sense, or feeling, of not wanting to be lonely anymore. Of not doing it all alone anymore, and this is not some vague little nudge, no this is a like a great big swell coming up in me. Of having enough of -not- sharing. My life, your life, all life. (now a few days later I feel much more calm actually, but the swell has stayed)

I used to be a great big socializer, other boys hated me in high school because I was talking to all the girls, because I -was- sharing whatever I felt like, and listening to theirs too. And not heavy stuff, no just everyday life sharing. And this continued after school, in bars, in the house-squat-scene, right up until I landed myself in prison, because amongst many things sharing itself didn’t cut it, and I didn’t find what I was looking for. And since I didn’t know what I was looking for I couldn’t ask, and no-one around either saw or said anything. So I reacted in a very self-destructing way.
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