I am alone
I feel alone, but am I lonely?
These last few days have given me a new sense, or feeling, of not wanting to be lonely anymore. Of not doing it all alone anymore, and this is not some vague little nudge, no this is a like a great big swell coming up in me. Of having enough of -not- sharing. My life, your life, all life. (now a few days later I feel much more calm actually, but the swell has stayed)
I used to be a great big socializer, other boys hated me in high school because I was talking to all the girls, because I -was- sharing whatever I felt like, and listening to theirs too. And not heavy stuff, no just everyday life sharing. And this continued after school, in bars, in the house-squat-scene, right up until I landed myself in prison, because amongst many things sharing itself didn’t cut it, and I didn’t find what I was looking for. And since I didn’t know what I was looking for I couldn’t ask, and no-one around either saw or said anything. So I reacted in a very self-destructing way.
And there I turned inwardly. Looking at my faults, and others. Looking at things to change, and how to better deal with others. And this was quite a process, some of it out of grief, feeling misunderstood, self pity, but also recognizing wrongdoings by others. And so I took head and only trusted on myself from then on.
Not minding to share, but I will not be duped again, not by my wishing mind, not by my yearnings, not by your smooth talking, and especially not by the shallowness most of us call life. I am hurting, I am wounded, and if you can’t deal with me/that, then f*ck off.
Ah, defense by offense.
And so I retreated some more (God I could use a smoke now in writing this) after coming back, needing to heal surely, but actually making the new prison inside more permanent and give it nice paint job. Making it a firm base of operations, the new Sjef. The new self improved Sjef. Strong powerful Sjef.
Fuck what a load of crap…
Nothing improved about it, just better armed, and better trained. Trained in responding to all the bullshit I do -not- want, and by being verbally aggressive, and very institutionalized, making the system work for you, but now in hindsight, only in a very limited and limiting way, the no-way-out way. The god you’re a loser way, how can you vegetate in this-way. (yes I’m angry at myself) Dishonoring the system and myself, but out of survival so my conscious is soothed.
Still not satisfied, inside, the longing stays. Responding to it by sort of ‘waking up’ somewhere 2005, feeling the need to do something, get out of this circular motion and (ever so slowly but still:) downward spiral. And with this phenomenal mind staging an exit strategy: ‘become an entrepreneur’.
But that doesn’t fight of this loneliness, it enhances it ! It throws you back at -you-, alone, solo, no strings attached but no safety net either, stupid *self-censored*. Now you are -really- on your own, and making huge debts… Oh the irony…
So slowly I start dating again too, or at least browse through the hundreds of ‘here is my best picture of me with my best story of me, will you have me and lets be shallow together’ adds. All wounded animals, buckets of tears under the surface, and all eagerly hoping for some release and relieve by looking at another. The other will heal me, being with the other will heal me, having a kid will heal me, being married will heal me.
I wanted to share my life with another, and share hers with me. Not like I wanted or think I wanted to have a wife and kids when I myself was 17, but share really honestly and authentically. “But then you can’t be a wimp about anything neither” so the conditions pre-set to enter were high. And still thinking it to be easy, and claiming it to be too.
Still being so honest and open, and questioning, I quickly won some attention here and there. And misguided myself in the ease of it, I quickly found someone to start of a relationship with. And it did start off with a bang, hot damn, that was some firework, and we went places, and shared and shared, some a bit deeper, some very light, some funny, some less so.
And after a year or so I suddenly/quickly got bored with it, with the difference in pace of it between us, with the ‘results’ (or actually lack of it, according to me).
There is no speeding on the road to nowhere…
It only came as a little shock to her, and she understood very clearly that she was not the one, for me, and me definitely not the one for her. She kinda liked it this way, the tempo was fine, she was slowly building into it, waiting for me to accept her to get pregnant and stuff. But no. Not now. Not ever.
For 2 years after, we were each other’s friend with benefits though, but even that now has come to an end. It slowly died, dreary life-sap sucking bullshit. Neither capable nor willing of holding it anymore. So I broke all online contacts, she never called.
On to a new one, friend with benefits, cause not feeling ready to date, and it sort of presented itself. During this last dive. And why? Because people still have this notion of you of not wanting relationships, not being this open-hearted, not being this wanting. And she really is much much nicer than just that, she has a super mind and interests, is great to hang out with, she’s hot, and really is someone to love. (yeah yeah, everyone is) So maybe I should tell her I can’t, cause I like her too much, and I like there to be more (should I stay or should I go now). Which will not likely be greeted positively cause that’s what friends with benefits are for/come out of, being wounded and not wanting to be wounded again/anymore and thus shutting down a bit, and finding ways to accommodate that, however unsatisfying/delusional in the end.
And giving in to loads of distraction, be it materialism, work, studies, just a bunch of stuff to avoid feeling the need to love and be loved.
(In between writing, I’m off on a small motorbike trip to clear my head & heart a bit, riding a twisty dyke in a clear sky with a low winter sun just around freezing temperatures.)
Feeling I am on to something here. Cause starting to hold my own ground again, but in a different manner. Out of presence, out of authenticity, out of honesty, but also out of flexibility, out of curiosity, out of warmth, out of love. Yes, out of love.
But what do you do? You mess it up, by actively wanting more, by thinking up all kinds of scenarios of being together, of sharing, of -sharing-, sharing -life-. That’s not holding your ground, that is going over to theirs. Nothing wrong with if asked or agreed upon, only no-one did.
This here, now, makes me realize. I do not want to be lonely, anymore.
It could also be that I’m just a little ‘love-sick’ from ending the prior relationship. Even though there was a distance, it still was a 3 year relationship where one could rely on the other even at this distance, where now we both cannot anymore.
Fellow deep diver Cassandra asked me just before the dive: “do you want to stay alone, don’t you want to be in a loving relation, and maybe have kids, the question is quite simple really”
“Yes, I do want all that but I feel I can’t”
Facebook has the option: “it’s complicated” and isn’t that a signpost of how weird many of us our ‘doing’ their relationships. Where is the love, it is not more complicated than that (!)
Now, I feel I can’t be on my own anymore. I need to share, I really -feel- the -need- to love and be loved. And I don’t want to hide it anymore either. I don’t want to run away from it anymore.
I feel I’m looking for my queen… where is she?
I love you.
I thank all of you for helping me to open up.
Today I had to go to the unemployment office, to talk about ‘work-first’, so basically (and probably) some training and then in some job, sort of forced. At least in my perception of their ways and methods, and limitations.
And 5 years ago I would have been nervous, verbally aggressive, insecure, unsure, taking stuff personally as attacks, etc. And would respond accordingly.
Today I was none of that (ok a little on the defense), I had prepared some of the things I wanted to talk about (human design and genekeys studies, Permaculture study), but all the rules changed these last few years and they want you to do those in your own time from your own money. Only if something has some work/job guarantee (signed/sealed/delivered) then they might consider allowing you doing it, and maybe also pay for it.
But… she/they don’t know what to do with me… at all… (!) There are no rules/regulations where I would fit in, either way, ever.
So this made me chuckle a bit, and the ball was in my court again, and so I proposed some sort of competence test, which turned out to be quite elaborate (to be taken in a month or so, of which I am really curious cause last one was, ehrm 28 years ago…?) and from there on maybe 2 days or half-days of being a courier (car or motorbike) maybe even unpaid but with full benefits, and if I pay myself be allowed (!) to do the studies I want the rest of the week. (Weird to see beyond their limitations and act upon them) Which I’m quite happy with actually. Because being ‘obligated’ to do something several times a week might actually do me some good. And I had visions of being forced to orange clothing weeding the public parks and such…
She (the counselor) made an effort to read me, and she read my face/posture, and read loud and clear when something was off, and when I was smiling inside. I had to give her a compliment for that. This was no bureaucratic session, even though there were clear boundaries and limits, we were ‘talking human’.
So this will give me a breather, and with some of the money I do have in reserve (sold my car today) I might be able to pay for those studies (besides/on the side of my €15K debt from my former business…)
Hmmm (happy) 🙂