hmm, seeing, insight. Unsure how to describe. There was a situation, which turned out quite heated from both sides, but were both rescued from doing what was said. In the aftermath people commented on how (again both) kept wallowing in it, kept talking about it the present tense, as if it was something really important. And people should take sides and everything. What great injustices were being done and so on, and on, and on, and on. On automatic pilot, running through it over and over and over again. It gave life meaning, and purpose, identity, righteousness, to boldly go where no man, yadda yadda yadda. The commenting of the people in the aftermath, to on the one hand yes, it did happen, but, no, to myself make such a big deal out of it and get over myself. To grow a pair and just ff-ing drop it, because there was no such importance to it, unless one wants to be a drama-queen. Unless one likes playing the most Oscar winning attempt of being a grandiose victim of all the injustice that life can ever throw at someone. ‘The Prima Donna Originale Deluxe Special Edition’
So I was left (as was the other) with people not wanting to listen to it, not being interested, not caring, even if, yes, something has happened, but, no, this was of no importance to anyone, except the self-identifying bloated Egoic little boy, who was crying wolf, shouting it, advertising on National Television at prime time, and even announcing the advert itself weeks in advance. On and on and on. All talents and abilities, expertise and cunning, used to further and prolong the seriously aggrandized situation.
Churning and churning inside my being, my brain, my life, my body, my felt-senses, everywhere and all over, I looked at it, worked with it, ponder and reflected, over and over, what happened, why did it happen, how could it happen, and the before, the during, but that aftermath particularly. Why would they respond they way they did, what was going on?
Until finally, one morning after another few days of being with it, as it did come and go in those ~6 months, I suddenly saw, me, my own part, how I, myself, hung onto it like a feline on a fish, growling at onlookers. How my claws sank into it and would rather die a million deaths in a flaming blaze of glory as the hero of the story, then acknowledge I did it all myself. That I -made- it a big event, that I made it this big thing of importance. Which however interesting it was, was never in the proportions I made it out to be, inside me, and then my lips overflowing with it. Feeling my life having a purpose in fighting this demon, this opposite in the battle over life and all that is right and holy.
Just complete bullshit and fabrication…
Little old me, being talked to in a way I did not like, little old me feeling wronged by someone else, someone outside myself so I could oppose it, while not seeing what and how I was doing it all to myself.
How I could have said ‘no thank you, I’m fine’ or ‘yes please that’ll be lovely’ and stayed with that, regardless of -anything-, nor anyone.
To step out of any drama about it all. Regardless of any felt pressure and tension. Regardless of that other, because however the other might be operating, if this is your answer than stay with that answer, be clear about it, and be done with it. And then, the situation is already over, gone, evaporated.
You’re already onto the next experience, life has moved on, another observation is there for you to see, to witness, to experience.
Unless, you (!) grab hold of it and bite into it and make up all kinds of thisses and thats about and with it. And then hang your life’s purpose and identity in the balance of it.
And since then, I see it happening all around me, in big or smaller versions, but in so, so many places, events, people, stories. And it is hard to look at, it is hard to not shake m up and slap m out of it. The compassion you feel for their self-inflicted hurt while wanting to shout at them too for being sooooo ignorant. To see how thin that veil actually is, that separates us from the this and the that, from the drama and the life without it. But what a kick-ass superior quality veil we fabricated! The best material and workmanship used to craft it! And paid in full, by ourselves, ofcourse we’re going to keep it, and use it!