Rather, he wants the technique. I really only have one technique and everybody who comes to the house soon learns what it is from other students, but, oddly, nobody seems to practice it until they receive it from me. I’ve laid it out many times and tried to put it in the public domain for the use of whoever wants it, but it has remained strangely proprietary, as if the only way it can work is if it comes directly from me. There’s really not much to it, but I guess there’s not much to closing your eyes and repeating a mantra or counting your breaths either.

“Okay, Arthur,” I begin, “the technique is called Spiritual Autolysis. Autolysis means self-digestion, and spiritual means, uh. hell, I don’t really know. Let’s say it means that level of self which encompasses the mental, physical and emotional aspects; your royal I-ness. Put the two words together and you have a process through which you feed yourself, one piece at a time, into the purifying digestive fires.”

“May I ask a question?” Arthur asks.

“Yes, Arthur.”

“You make Spiritual Autolysis sound rather unpleasant.”

“Yes, Arthur, it’s an unpleasant process.”

“Oh. I see. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. The process of Spiritual Autolysis is basically like a Zen koan on steroids. All you really have to do is write the truth.”

“Write the truth?”

“Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Yes, that’s all there is to it. Just write down what you know is true, or what you think is true, and keep writing until you’ve come up with something that is true.” – Jed McKenna, Spiritual Enlightenment, The Damnedest Thing