A pattern emerged, a recognition of me doing was spotted. As I’m in the 4 Transformation courses we get to experiment and investigate some of our behavior and mental processes, and stuff comes up.
And one of the realizations is that those patterns have been there all along, bubbling, like lava on top, bubble, bubble, a never ending cascade of fresh lava, of new bubbles, a chemical processing of stuff. *blip, blop, bubble*
And one of the bubbles is this recurring perception of utter deep and overwhelming suffocating boredom, as a pattern. So deeply and utterly bored with elements of this life, with things that happen, especially those that do happen. And recognizing now, it is a pattern, it happened many, many times before, and the results are nearly identical. This sense of suffocation and loathing and their subsequent action(s)
This particular pattern emerges as a noticing of more and more resistance to ‘do’ the weekly experiment suggestions of a course. This is a pattern that I recognize throughout my life but starting as early as about 13 years old and then particularly in school and classes, which for one major part has gotten me in so much trouble with schools and teachers and their authority.