“If we have grown beyond a 50/50 Relationship, we are no longer cautious about giving our love to our intimate partner. At certain moments we might beg and whimper; at other moments we might aggressively ravish our partner in love. Still at other times our loving is serene and sweet. But whether shouting, screaming, pleading, pushing, pulling, biting or hugging, we are gifting our partner with our uninhibited and free love, flowing directly from our sexual essence without fear or doubt.
If we have grown into the practice of Intimate Communion, the imaginary videotape does not pose a dilemma since we understand that the fundamental difference between rape and ravishment is simple: Love. Is love the motive of every squeeze, shriek and nibble, regardless of how forceful, aggressive or passionate? Or is it a motive of need the need for sex, the need for power, the need for control?
Most important, in the practice of Intimate Communion we learn that love is something you do, not something you “fall into” or “out of.” Love is something that you practice, like playing tennis or the violin, not something you happen to feel or not. If you are waiting to feel love, in passionate sex or safe conversation, you are making a mistake. Love is an action that you do and when you do it, you feel it. When you are loving, others find you lovable. Love is an action you can practice.
Therefore, in Intimate Communion we learn to practice loving even when we feel hurt, rejected or resistant. First we practice love, and then our native sexual essence blooms, naturally, inevitably, because we are learning to give from our core, which includes the root of our sexuality.” – David Deida, Intimate Communion – awakening your sexual essence
What do we really know about male desire? Not much, according to Canadian sex researchers
ZOSIA BIELSKI PUBLISHED JULY 23, 2019
Winnipeg relationships therapist Sarah Hunter Murray found a male desire that’s less voracious, indiscriminate and skin deep, and more emotionally complex – fragile, even.
Although sex researchers historically gave male subjects centre stage, they paid surprisingly little attention to how men actually desire. Today, contemporary sexologists say our cultural understanding of men’s sex drive remains simplistic and leans on old clichés – that male libido is always sky-high, self-centred and ready to go, with practically anyone. Men who aren’t this way are still treated as exceptions, not the rule.
Canadian researchers and clinicians are starting to push back on these ideas by asking deeper questions about the inner world of male desire. They’re looking at how heterosexual men lust (and don’t) within their relationships, what motivates them to have sex with their partners, what frustrates them in their intimate lives and how they process rejection from the women they love. What they’re finding counters much of what’s been previously assumed about men.
“We’ve got this stereotype about men’s desire being constant and unwavering. More recently, we’ve got #MeToo highlighting stories of men’s sexual desire being dangerous, toxic and about power. But what else is going on?” said Winnipeg relationships therapist Sarah Hunter Murray.
Murray interviewed nearly 300 men and spoke to hundreds more over a decade in her therapy practice – executives, truck drivers, athletes, teachers and dads among them. Their insights are included in Murray’s recent book, Not Always in The Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships, which offers a rare glimpse into a world we think we understand, but possibly don’t at all.
Notably absent from Murray’s book are the usual tales of raging male libido. One husband is too stressed out by the family business to think about sex. A boyfriend turns down his girlfriend’s advances for two months as he dwells on an unresolved argument. Another husband tells Murray his sexual interest piques when he and his wife talk late into the night. In her conversations with men, Murray found a male desire that’s less voracious, indiscriminate and skin deep, and more emotionally complex – fragile, even.
While Murray offers a strikingly new perspective on heterosexual male sex drive, other Canadian researchers are studying men’s sexual problems in long-term committed relationships. In Halifax, clinical psychologist Natalie Rosen is looking at why men experience low desire with their partners. At the University of Waterloo, PhD student Siobhan Sutherland is exploring male and female partners’ sexual complaints, which happen to be the same. And at the University of Kentucky, Canadian researcher Kristen Mark mines “sexual desire discrepancy” in couples, finding it’s sometimes wives and girlfriends who are more interested in sex than husbands and boyfriends – guys who find this scenario particularly troubling because of social expectations about the supposedly more carnal male gender.
Their emerging research suggests serious blind spots around male desire are harming relationships and holding couples back from broaching what they want in their intimate lives.
“If we ignore the nuances of sexual desire in men, we risk continuing to perpetuate stereotypes – that men’s sexual interest is uniformly high and independent of context – to the detriment of the many men whose experiences are multifaceted,” said Halifax’s Rosen. “In enhancing our understanding of men’s sexual desire, we can improve individual and couple sexuality and ultimately promote the quality of intimate relationships.”
The Globe spoke to researchers – and men – about busting the most pernicious myths lingering around male desire. Read more
HOW TO FUCK A WOMAN’S BRAINS OUT
By ThornDaddy, forward by Dollie Llama
ThornDaddy from the “Submission and Coffee” podcast teaches you how to pet her pretties, part her petals, and nail her to the center of the earth with your cock until she squirts stars and secrets onto the majesty of your bed.
HOW TO FUCK A WOMAN’S BRAINS OUT is not a guide on how to “find em’ feel em’ fuck em’ and forget ’em.” It’s not a manual on how to “bag weak women with pickup lines and mind tricks,”
HOW TO FUCK A WOMAN’S BRAINS OUT is a stunning BDSM resource and manifesto on finding the perfect willing sex slave (or two), keeping her in your life, and loving the hell out of her ~ mind, body and soul.
“Interviews With Seven Kinky Women About What They Want and Need”
“This man owns me; heart, mind, soul and pussy.” -ThornDaddy’s wife, Dollie Llama (author, Diary of an S&M Romance)
“The most amazing mind-shattering sex I’ve ever experienced is with ThornDaddy and Dollie Llama, and this little kitty just can’t stop purring.” -“the pet” (ThornDaddy and Dollie Llama’s girlfriend)
“I had to move. There was so much loud sex, I couldn’t think.” -Bill M. (ThornDaddy’s downstairs neighbor, January 1999 to April 1999)
A crucial read for all men and women interested in kinky love.
eBook ISBN: 978-0-97053-928-1 Paperback book: ISBN 978-0-97053-922-9
“…PORN TO BE FREE is a provocative documentary that explores the sexual revolution from the 70’s and 80’s through the incredible genesis of porn from the first magazines, first photoshoots to the first porn stars. The film is directed by controversial Italian director Carmine Amoroso and has been produced in an entirely independent way, without the support of any institution or broadcaster…The film features the main protagonists of that time, including porn star Cicciolina and her mentor and pornographer Riccardo Schicchi, pioneer director Lasse Braun as well as key feminist figures Giuliana Gamba and Lidia Ravera. The film also reveals the story of an unpublished short porn animation by Charlie Hebdo’s caricaturist Siné…”.
Ad of the Day: Adult Retailer Makes Probably the Craziest X-Rated Ad Yet (NSFW) Director Rankin’s best work ever? By Tim Nudd
Sex sells, particularly when you’re selling lingerie and sex toys. And now, two of Britain’s top creatives have teamed up to make one of the most extravagant erotic brand films ever—a frenetic two-and-a-half-minute film for London adult retailer Coco de Mer. TBWA\London’s Walter Campbell and renowned photographer/director Rankin provided the creative vision for the film, which packs in a huge number of sexual images and vignettes, along with some other odd imagery. It’s basically an art film with the Coco de Mer logo thrown on the end. But Campbell and Rankin are immensely proud of the spot, which will run online and in cinemas.
Rankin, whose résumé includes a ton of top-notch fashion films, tells Campaign that the ad is “definitely the best thing that I have done in film. … It has layers of meaning, and to get that in advertising is rare.” He adds: “Doing something like this is about creating an experience. We’re putting it on a different level. Putting it on a level with enjoying a film. People call it content marketing, but it’s just about making something people want to watch.” Campbell said: “The erotic doesn’t get the same overt attention as everything else on the cultural menu, so we created a film to surprise, excite and most importantly, encourage people to delve that little bit deeper into their fantasies—to reignite that connection.” Several other directors also worked on the film, including Vicky Lawton, Trisha Ward and David Allain. The production company was Rankin Film. Postproduction was done by MPC.
“I am suggesting that, as we have grown in wholeness, many of us have lost touch with our own true sexual essence as well as our partner’s, so we aren’t getting what we really want in a relationship. Instead of enjoying the uniqueness of each person’s sexual essence, we often settle for a fair, relatively healthy, yet mediocre sense of equality.
For instance, we may think we want to share “old-style” Masculine and Feminine responsibilities equally with our intimate partner. So, we agree to a fair, 50/50 split right down the middle but we really don’t enjoy cooking half the time or changing the oil in the car half the time. It just doesn’t feel authentic to our core. It doesn’t feel like our true gift. Our sexual essence ends up feeling squelched. It’s not completely fulfilling, but at least it’s fair.
We also end up unfulfilled when we disregard the sexual essence of our intimate partner. For example, we want our partners to be receptive and listen to us as if they were our therapists, but we also want them to ravish us as if they were gods or goddesses of love. Our partners may become so used to “giving us space” and listening to our problems, however, that they no longer feel free to spontaneously ravish us with the wild force of their love. Read more