A pattern emerged, a recognition of me doing was spotted. As I’m in the 4 Transformation courses we get to experiment and investigate some of our behavior and mental processes, and stuff comes up.
And one of the realizations is that those patterns have been there all along, bubbling, like lava on top, bubble, bubble, a never ending cascade of fresh lava, of new bubbles, a chemical processing of stuff. *blip, blop, bubble*
And one of the bubbles is this recurring perception of utter deep and overwhelming suffocating boredom, as a pattern. So deeply and utterly bored with elements of this life, with things that happen, especially those that do happen. And recognizing now, it is a pattern, it happened many, many times before, and the results are nearly identical. This sense of suffocation and loathing and their subsequent action(s)
This particular pattern emerges as a noticing of more and more resistance to ‘do’ the weekly experiment suggestions of a course. This is a pattern that I recognize throughout my life but starting as early as about 13 years old and then particularly in school and classes, which for one major part has gotten me in so much trouble with schools and teachers and their authority.
about 2 years ago I had a breakthrough regarding a (one) victimization pattern I experienced for decades. And as patterns go I felt bugged by it over and over and over again, but I could not see it, could not see the pattern, nor the inherent victimization, let alone my part in it and even me grabbing hold of it, and using it as something to even identify my life in and with. And it also really took a good 6 months from the start of the lifting of the veil until the final penny dropped.
But, from that moment on, I did not need healing of it anymore/either.
I was instantaneously free. That morning, I walked around free from all that past, from all that hurting, from all the sorrow and history and baggage. It felt so weird !
A call for healing seems like the same old same old to me, it means we are still in the pattern, still in regarding us as victims. Once the victimization stops (of money, of people, of situations) there is no hurt anymore and thus no healing needed.
The hurt pathway
When we became friends, it was not because we liked the same bands, or the same style of being, clothing, people or politics, or the same hatred for our upbringing, parents and school, although we truly believed we did.
We became friends because we recognized, even if unconsciously, the same wounds. We recognized the same avoidance of our wounding. We recognized the same behaviour towards our ignoring of our hurts. The same patterns in denying and running away.
-That- is what connected us.
And now we disconnect because we differ in that behaviour towards our wounds.
The simple fact of me being here, in these genekeys, confirms my victimhood/martyrdom, I am victim of my own beliefs, of my perceived need to do something about this life, about all that suffering, about all these longing(s).
While it just is (what it is) there is nothing to change, besides my perception and/or judgement/opinion about it (which is another half-truth) There is nothing to escape from or work towards.
Life just is, and I allow myself to be a victim of anything and everything I think life is supposed to mean, or be.